Star Trek: The Doppelganger Generation

(Beware: here be spoilers)

I went to see "Star Trek" yesterday.

It isn't Star Trek. It's something else. It has all of the characters and imagery of Trek, but it's not Trek. It's an "alternate reality" in which Kirk is a problem child/raging alcoholic ne'er do well and Uhura is in love with...Spock? But rather than call this an "alternate reality," I'm more tempted to call it a "doppelganger."

In the original series there was an incident involving the transporter which created a doppelganger Kirk who was a conglomeration of all of the negative aspects of Kirk's psyche. He rampaged through the ship, drinking Saurian brandy and assaulting female crew members. This division produced two "Kirks" - the aforementioned "evil" side and another "good" side that was unable to make decisions. But in order to survive, the two halves needed each other; the longer they were separated from each other the weaker they became. If the two Kirks could not be re-united into a whole person they would both die.

This new "Trek" is like that evil Kirk. It is not something "whole," but a conglomeration of ridiculous plot devices, bluster, eye candy, and cocaine-induced cinematography. It's just like evil Kirk on a Saurian brandy binge.

I hated the Kirk of this "Trek." I identified with the Kirk of the original series for a number of reasons, one of which being the fact that he was a bit of a pencil neck geek during his academy days. Anyone familiar with the episode "Shore Leave" knows that Kirk was "positively grim" during his days at academy and that he was mercilessly picked on and tormented by upperclassmen. The Kirk of this universe is a party animal who spends most of his time getting it on with Orion slave girls and voyeuristically watching Uhura disrobe - not that different from the evil Kirk of "The Enemy Within," who sneaks inside Yeoman Rand's quarters and attempts to rape her.

The Kirk of the original series taught courses at Starfleet Academy as a young Lieutenant - he was also known among his fellow cadets as a bookworm. In the alternate universe he is all swagger - there's no substance there, nothing to like. When he reprograms the Kobayashi Maru test he struts around like a braggart - the quiet confidence of Kirk isn't there. He just comes across as a jerk.

I'll take the bizarro war criminal Kirk of the Terran Empire or the evil Kirk of "The Enemy Within" over the wild child, Beastie Boys blasting (yes, Beastie Boys in a Star Trek movie) Kirk of this nightmare realm.

So much nonsense in this movie. So many silly plot devices. Are we to believe that Spock would allow "red matter" - a substance which allows for the creation of wormholes - to fall into the hands of Romulans? Wouldn't Spock have sacrificed himself to prevent it from falling into their hands? We know that Spock is willing to sacrifice his life so that others may live ("Wrath of Khan"). In this instance, Spock must necessarily have arrived at the logical conclusion that the "red matter" would enable to Romulans to hold the Federation hostage.

And the Vulcans get a really bad rap in this movie. From the beginning they are consistently presented as intolerant. Accordingly, you feel little or no sympathy for the Vulcans when their planet is destroyed (how could I when Spock, inexplicably, lets the most destructive potential weapon in the galaxy fall into the hands of a band of vengeful, psychotic Romulans - you made your bed Spock, now lie in it). Earthlings on the other hand come across as tolerant and accepting of all cultures, even offering mercy to the defeated Romulans (which Spock is not prepared to offer).

All of the nonsense in this alternate reality is down to time travel. In the past Trek has done time travel well, but at this point it's a trite plot device, particularly when it's just thrown out there with minimal back story. And when time travel is involved it allows you to create all sorts of silly "alternate" versions of things with little or no explanation. So any inconsistency can be explained away with the "but it's an alternate reality" defense.

I disliked the look of this movie also. The camera work is that sort of cocaine-induced cinematography that people call "gritty" and "cinema verite." I call it unwatchable. Hold the camera still for 30 seconds; stay on one shot for more than five seconds; let me see what is happening in the fight scenes. It's just like Battlestar Galactica in this respect, which is unfortunate, because BSG is also unwatchable for the very same reason - it tries so hard to be "gritty" and "edgy" that it loses me completely.

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Today being Mother's Day, I offer you my two favorite pop songs about mothers:



"Even as a crack fiend, mama, you always was a black queen, mama."